We all want someone who loves us this way.
What is a home?
What makes a house a home? That question may be slightly different for each family, but it is the family that is essential to the home. The structure could burn down, but the home would survive in the family that took it with them to the new location.
Home is much more than bricks, wood, or mortgage payments. It is atmosphere, memories, unspoken or unwritten rules, it is essential. Think about what you remember about your home growing up- you may have concrete memories of activities but those memories are wrapped in emotions. That is the crucial key- emotions, atmosphere, the spirit of the place. Was it a loving home, a home filled with fear, a home filled with laughter? If your home was not a happy one, the good news it that you get a second chance. You did not get to choose the home your were born in to, but you do get to choose the home you have now. Now, you get to make your house a home and choose what you want to fill it with- laughter, happiness, good food, warm aromas and certainly the Spirit and peace of God.
To help women understand and to encourage them to make their house a home has been a long time passion for me. Not that I have all the answers or make no mistakes, but I was fortunate to have a full time mother in my home growing up and she taught me many invaluable lessons. I took those and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, improved upon them and set out to create a home in which my children could hear God speak, could be safe and free to be themselves, and would make many happy memories to look back on when they left home. Not every home has children in it. Children are not what makes a house a home; however, if they are in the home they become a huge focus for as long as they are in your care. The most essential element in the making of a home is the marriage. If the marriage is not healthy, the home will not be, either.
Beginning with the end in mind is probably my mantra. If you want a marriage that stood the test of time, you must begin that journey with the mind set necessary to last the journey. If you want your children to leave home with a certain skill set or mind set or both, you have to begin parenting them when they are toddlers with those attributes that you desire in mind. So that is what I did, I sought God and what he had in mind for my children and that is where I began. Now, my four kids are 21, 19, 13, & 11. I am seeing the fruit of all of our hard work- my husband is most certainly very involved- and it is good. So, I desire to share what worked for me, what did not, & the lessons I learned as we have been on this journey.
Today, I am updating this post as I turn it from a page to a post. I love what I wrote 6 years ago. Those four kids are now 27, 25, 21, & 19. Two are fantastic mothers and business owners, one is about to graduate and go on to law school and one is currently beginning boot camp to become a United States Marine. What I have written is standing the test of time.
I pray that you will find the information in the pages and articles helpful, informative, and inspiring and I also hope you will laugh at the funny parts! Without a sense of humor- life, marriage, & parenting will eat you up and spit you out!
Since Jonathan swore an oath and joined the United Sates Marines the day before Thanksgiving, I have been living intentionally. The intention was to make the most memories, accomplish what really mattered to each of us, and to feel like we had properly closed this chapter in our lives.
We had the best time! I cooked the things he requested, planned the parties, the baptism and whatever else any of us wanted to do “one more time” before he shipped out and the schedule was not our own.
We hung out on the couch and watched our favorite movies or shows. This might be considered by some to be a waste of time. Not for us, this is how we bond. We pile up on one couch and laugh together then later we communicate in movie quotes. Movie quotes for us is like a secret language. This was an intentional waste of time and it was the best use of that time. I got to feel him resting his head on me one more time just like he did when he was little.
The last two weeks were especially perfect. It all happened because we were intentional about how we spent our time and what we did.
I came away from this time with a renewed desire to live intentionally. This is not new for me or us, but life got really intense for a couple of years and the intention of the day was to survive. That, my friend, is not living.
All of our married life we have asked ourselves what we wanted to have in 20 years or 50 years. What did we want our kids to look back and remember about home? What kind of marriage did we want? Then, every action or decision we made was based on those answers. Dose what we are doing move us toward that end goal? We haven’t been as intentional as I would like us to be.
So, Tony and I are having conversations about how we want to schedule our time and what memories we want to create. We are now living with intentionality again. You do have to schedule the important things or at least schedule time that gives enough space that the important things can happen.
Time goes by quickly. I want to look back as see a full life with the best memories.
Some of the things we are intentionally scheduling:
- Sunrise fishing
- sunrise kayaking
- full moon gazing on the beach
- family dinners
- day trips with the grands
- emails to family friends
- hand-written letters
- texts to friends and family
- dinner with new friends
- monthly hiking trips
- weekly business meetings for us
- regular fasting
- and whatever else we think of.
This guy- I don’t know what I would do without him.
Four babies have come and gone. They are building careers and families of their own.
We are back to the two of us. We loved the years of raising our chaotic zoo and it hurts to know that we are officially done with that season. But, we are excited to be a couple again.
We started young and it wasn’t the easy way (I don’t think an easy way exists when it come to raising a family) but I wouldn’t change a thing.
When we look at our crew, we are SO FREAKING PROUD!
Happily Ever After is a way of life for us.
Dead Poets Society- I love this movie. I find it inspiring and heartbreaking in equal parts. John Keating (played by Robin Williams) is attempting to open the eyes of his students to the idea that life can be more than what they have been told or what they have seen. Now, this causes problems but no one is left the same. Anytime someone challenges the status quo, there will be opposition.
Obviously, what some desired for their extraordinary lives others thought was wrong. So what makes for an extraordinary life?
Money? Huge House? Travel? Power?
I would wager that ,while those things above are out of the ordinary, these will not truely be extraordinary.
What I see people hungry for are those things that are not tangible. I feel I have an extraordinary life. What defines that for me is the relationships in my life mainly along with where I live and what I do for work and career.
Can I say that to have a relationship that is healthy and vibrant takes intentional work? These things do not happen by accident. Compatability is key, but compatablility is based largely on your perspective and reactions.
For example, Tony (my husband) is cautious and likes a book’s worth of information and time to think before he makes a decision. I lean towards risk and need only about a page of information and thirty seconds to make a decision. Tony does not love routine and scheduling or budgets. I adore routine and schedules and budgets make me feel secure. As you can see, our approach to just about everything is different. I looked at this as a positive, we balanced each other- and we do.
One evening while headed home from a Pampered Chef Party (about 20 years ago I was a Pampered Chef Lady) I turned on the radio and heard a program on marriage from Focus on the Family. Listening to the guests talk, I thought, “Wow, they sound just like me and Tony.” Because I jumped in the middle, I had not heard the title. Imagine my surprise when the title was announced, “How To Build a Marriage When You Are Not Compatible.”
What a shock, all this time I thought we were balanced. Actually, I did then and still think that is what we are- balanced. This is where perspective and reactions come in. I didn’t react to Tony’s need for more information as if he was wrong. He wasn’t wrong, he was just different. He doesn’t consider my tendency to jump before I look as a weakness. We balance. Our marriage is extraordinary.
I live in Galveston, Texas. I can walk to the beach daily, I watch the waves when I commute to work. Some may not really care about that, the beach doesn’t do anything for them. I find this VERY odd but you know- each to his own. Where I live is something and somewhere I consider extraordinary. Now, I could change my perspective. I could focus on the crazy traffic rules, the tourist that come here and act the fool, or the constant humidity of about 143%. But, I do not. I love this island and all its quirks.
Experiences- from buying ice cream from the ice cream truck on the BEACH (yes, that is a thing) with my grandbabies to snorkeling in Key West with my younger two kids and handsome husband is what makes life extraordinary. God has blessed me and I KNOW it!
What makes a life extraordinary? That is for you to answer. I hope you will pursue those things with all your heart.
Leave what makes your life extraordinary in the comments below- I want to know what it is for you!
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That is the one element that will make your marriage better. Grace will make any relationship you have better- including the relationship you have with yourself.
What is Grace exactly?
Definition of grace
(Entry 1 of 2)1a: unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification
b: a virtue coming from God
c: a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance
c: a special favor : PRIVILEGEeach in his place, by right, not grace, shall rule his heritage— Rudyard Kipling
d: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency
e: a temporary exemption : REPRIEVE
3a: a charming or attractive trait or characteristic Among disagreeable qualities he possessed the saving grace of humor.
b: a pleasing appearance or effect : CHARMall the grace of youth— John Buchan
c: ease and suppleness of movement or bearing danced with such grace
grace verb graced; gracing
Definition of grace (Entry 2 of 2)
1: to confer dignity or honor on The king graced him with the rank of a knight.
There is a lot to this one word, but I think the part that applies the most to marriage is “disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency“. Frequently, we demand more from those we live with, especially our spouse. We let our anger show, our impatience colors our words, and we keep a long list of flaws and mistakes. But, what would our marriage look like if we responded with grace instead of “justice” or harshness?
I think sometimes, especially for women, we think it is our duty or job to fix everyone around us. The world tells us that we do that by pointing our every flaw and demanding perfection. That isn’t how God does it. He offers GRACE every second of every day. If we are in a new season, he offers grace. If we are struggling, he offers grace. If we are learning a new way of being or doing, he offers grace.
Grace is key to living at peace.
My therapist once asked me what I wanted to remember in January when I thought about the holidays.
Peace- Joy- Reverence-Laughter- Ease
But most of all, in every season of my life, I want peace.
You need grace to have peace. You can’t be at peace with yourself if you don’t extend grace to yourself. You can’t live at peace with others if you don’t extend grace to others. There is a time for calling someone on their sh*&$. But those times are NOT everyday and not in every moment. Plus, if you are constantly busting someone over every flaw and mistake, they are not listening to you. However, if you deal grace like a drug dealer deals meth, people will listen when you come to them out of love and talk with them about a problem or pattern that needs attention.
GRACE should be thrown around like confetti on New Year’s Eve. Give it freely because God has certainly given it freely to you.
I also looked up antonyms for Grace:
Bitterness. Disapproval. Hostility. Unforgiveness.
Wow, sometimes you can learn more by looking at what something is not than what it is.
Jesus is our Prince of Peace. How fitting that His Father is a God of Grace.
On this Marriage Monday, I want to talk about the biggest hurddle you have had to overcome in your marriage.
For me and my love, it has been communication. I am betting, that this has been yours. Even if wasn’t THE biggest hurdle, I can guarantee it was key to you overcoming that hurdle. Communication is key when building a marriage and probably the most challenging aspect early on.
With us, it wasn’t even that one of us didn’t want to communicate, it was that we didn’t understand the other’s communication style. Every person comes from a nuclear family- even if they spent the majority of their childhood in the foster system. That nuclear family, for better or for worse, defined how that person communicated. Mostly, the ways of communication are defined by all the unwritten rules.
The unwrittten rules of communication.
Those little devils can really make communication hard. Its been said that the devil is in the details and the unwritten rules of communication are the details.
Think about it. For those of you that grew up with your mom in the house, what did it mean when she huffed? I know exactly what it means when my mother huffs. I have a whole vocabulary of sighs that my kids and my husband understand. However, a stranger would have no idea.
But this is what we bring into our marriage with us.
In my family, we communicated loud. Like all the time. If you wanted to be heard at a family gathering, you had to be louder than the person sitting next to you. I am telling you, it is an introvert’s nightmare. I married an introvert. I thought for a long time, that he hated my family. He didn’t, he just needed a nap- but that is a topic for another post!
So, in the beginning Tony would say “Stop yelling” and I was like, “I am not yelling. Would you like me to yell so that you can see the difference?” Tony on the other hand is a man of few words. I had to learn what his body language meant. After 28 years, I am pretty good. I still miss it sometimes, so I am still a fan of using your words.
Another example of different communication styles is the phrasing that is used. Tony, being a laid back guy who is, well, nice- would aske me, “Are you ready to go?” To this I would reply, “Yes” or “No”. In the early years this caused problems because in his mind, he just told me he was ready to go. In my mind- he asked me a question. Where I came from, I watched all the men in my family walk in and say, “I am ready to go.” I thought all men did it that way. So, we had to hash that out in the car.
As time went on, I still expected him to be more direct, but I also realized that that wasn’t his way. I needed and loved the steady love he gave me, with that came an indirect approach to communication. I choose to acknowledge that when he aske me if I was ready to go, that he was politely telling me that he was ready. I then showed him love and respect by leaving then, or at least communicating when I would be ready.
It’s funny, but because he didn’t grow up with direct communication- everything that was said had underlying meanings- he didn’t take what I said as what I meant. Trust me- I don’t know any other way to be. If I don’t want to have a conversation or I want to avoid conflict- I just don’t say anything or I make noises of agreement. I don’t speak in veiled meanings because I don’t know how. Now, learning how to phrase things so that it doesn’t sound like you are attacking the other person is important.
How something is said is just as important as what is said when you are communicating with your spouse.
Regardless of where you came from, learning to communicate in your marriage is essential.
On marriagetoday.com, Jimmy Evans shares this:
That’s how you overcome conflicts: You talk through them. Talk about money. Talk about sex. Talk about parenting issues. One study showed that 86 percent of divorced couples admitted they had communication problems in their marriages.https://marriagetoday.com/the-six-levels-of-communication-in-marriage/
86% of divorces might could have been avoided if they had learned how to communicate. If you are having trouble in your marriage, get some help. There are a plethora of articles online to help improve communication. Apply what you know from communicating with people at work to your spouse. If you wouldn’t call your coworker an idiot, then don’t call your spouse and idiot. If you wouldn’t tell your boss that he was the biggest loser you ever met, don’t tell that to your spouse.
Sometimes, communication is hard because we think we should get to say whatever we want to our spouse. We don’t. That person we promised to love and cherish to death do us part should get the best of what we have to offer- especially our words.
So, what has been your biggest hurdle to overcome in your marriage?
The one thing my husband tells our children and any other young person who askes is this, “Move at least 3 hours from both sets of parents.” I have to say I agree.
Lest you think we hate our parents, let me set the record straight- we don’t.
But, with that said, if parents are close at hand the process of leaving your family of origin and creating your own, new, nuclear family will be greatly thwarted.
I had an overbearing mother and my husband had an over bearing father.
To be clear, neihter was overbearing because they hated us. They loved us dearly. The problem was that they both thought that they knew what was best for us but they didn’t agree on what that was.
So there Tony and I were caught in the middle. This created a lot of stress on our newly born marriage. We hadn’t been “grown” long enough to be comfortable with not doing what we were told by our parents.
I can’t really figure out why either thought we needed to be told what to do. I mean we were all of 19 and 21!
Can you blame them? I am still weighing in heavy on my 19 and 21 year-old children’s lives. They were just being parents and we were just being children.
And that was the problem, we needed to stop being children and be adults.
My second daughter did what her dad said. She left Canton and moved to Galveston TX, 5 hours away, with her new husband. She said that even though we weren’t the meddling kind of parents, she would have continued to depend on us instead of her new husband. The distance caused them to forge a tighter bond faster.
So, do yourself a favor, put some distance between you and your parents so that you can become one.
When I married my husband at the mature age of 19, I had no idea of what I was getting into. Who does? What I also didn’t know, at the time, was that the unrealistic expectations of perfection and “normal” that I carried were going to steal so much joy and make adjusting to married life so much harder.
Here are two things I wish I had known:
- I wish I had known that all of these big, hairy, problems I thought we had were just normal challenges that every young couple faces. It is so clear to me now (I am 48 as I write this) that it takes time to blend two different families of origins, two different communication styles, two different sets of needs, and two different approaches to life. Gracious, when you look at what must be done to become “one” its nothing short of a miracle that any marriage survives the first five years.
- I wish I had known that we had plenty of time to work things out- it didn’t have to be all done and fixed and perfect by day 27 after we said “I do”. You think I am joking. I kid you not. That is what I mean by unrealistic expectations. I hold myself and all around me to a ridiculous standard of excellence. If I have learned one thing in these 28 years, it is to let go of my timeline and standards and accept what people are capable of and to know that it will work out if I don’t give up. Not giving up and forcing my agenda are two very different things. I had to learn the difference.
So, there it is. If I had known/understood those two things, our first years of marriage would have been much smoother.
What do you wish you had known?
Who was the person or persons that impacted your marriage the most?
Mine would be my parents. They embodied commitment.
We just celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary. I am so proud of them!
They were committed because they made a promise and you keep a promise- through the good and the bad. There was plenty of good. But building a marriage is a hard job and 50 years is a long time. I am grateful for that example. They weren’t committed because it was all good- it wasn’t. They weren’t committed because everyone’s needs were met all the time- they weren’t.
I understood going into my marriage that I was going to be in it for the long haul. It made a difference for me when the dreamy romantic ideas of what marriage would be collided with the reality of unexpected pregnancies, bills and growing up. I made a promise of till death do us part and I would keep it.
My husband made the same promise and his parents had set the same example for him.
We made it through the tough parts and what was on the other side was definitely worth the fight. Now, as we enter new seasons where the kids are gone and what was working isn’t such a good fit any longer, we know that we will make the adjustments. Divorce isn’t even a word in our vocabulary- working through the difficut spots is the ONLY option.
We are committed to making this thing the very best it can be.
I love my husband and my marriage is my most valuable possession. It is the rock my life and my family is built on. So, I take care of it. That relationship is my priority and the rewards of treating it as such are HUGE!
So, tell me- who made the biggest impact on your marriage?